Today I want to write about the ugliest word ever: FAT. But first, a disclaimer or two.
DISCLAIMERS: I come at it from two different angles--both equally relevant to me. I understand there are many, many more angles, but I will cover two. Also, I feel that I do not have the time I want to adequately write this post, so I may do a follow-up/revision later.
The two angles I will come at this from are: 1) the concept of referring to the old me as 'Fat Erin'; and 2) still viewing myself as 'fat' although I am at a healthy weight.
1) 'Fat Erin'
I have been really struggling with handling this lately. You see, when I weighed 251 pounds, no one cared what I said about weight. I offended NO ONE. I could talk about me being fat, I could joke about how much I ate, I could talk about how discouraging it was to buy nice clothes because I never felt like I looked good in them. I could use the word 'fat' left, right, up, down and sideways and no one minded (or they were horribly uncomfortable but kept it from me...). I feel like that has changed now that I am 'fit'. I feel that when I discuss weight or clothing sizes or exercises or the diet I am on, people who didn't know the old me are either offended or think I have body image issues (or something else entirely that I am not catching on to). I feel like when I refer to my old self as 'fat' it casts judgment on those who are currently overweight--probably because it does...but that is not at all my intention. Regardless, I am trying to eradicate the term from my vocabulary. It is frustrating, because it was fine for me to say when I weighed 91 more pounds.
But to get to the core of the issue--I *was* fat. I was 91 pounds over a healthy weight for my height and body type. My blood pressure was high (prehypertension). My energy level was quite low. My clothing size was a 20. Now, if any of those descriptions fit you, I apologize if this is rude or offensive, this is NOT my intention. I do understand that this is a very delicate matter. And I am trying very hard to read this from the perspective of myself a year ago, and I am not sure how I would take it, honestly. ... I don't really know the point of me writing this out, truthfully. Maybe to apologize to those I have inadvertently offended? I always try to be an open book in this forum and these are my current thoughts...maybe that's it?
2) Body-Image
I had a great conversation with a friend of mine last night and I had told him that although I am a size 8 now (which should equal 'normal' or 'healthy') I still feel like I look fat--that someone seeing my stomach (in particular) would describe it as 'fat'. I know that logic will say if it fits comfortably in an 8, it's not fat. And I try to let logic win. But it is a weird concept. When I was 91 pounds heavier, I saw myself in the mirror smaller than I was (it took losing the weight and looking back at pictures to get a better idea). Now that I have lost the weight, I potentially see myself as bigger than I am. Women, why do we do this to ourselves? I *cannot* be the only one.
Today in the supermarket, I had a great encounter with a (creepy, but wonderful) old man. I was picking up some tuna pouches and he came by and asked if I was blocking the soy sauce with a grin. I was ready to move on so as I pushed my cart forward I smiled back and said, 'Probably.' As I was leaving he said, 'Ah! You were!' I apologized with a chuckle. He then said, 'I should have been able to see it while you were there, since you are so skinny!' This. Made. My. WEEKEND. There is a reason that this meant a lot to me. You see, I am told I am 'skinny' all the time. To be frank (and you know I will), I appreciate the compliment, but I think it is total crap. I am not 'skinny'. I am skinni-ER than I was. And the people giving me this compliment know how far I have come. And I TOTALLY appreciate that people say it to me (please don't stop!), because I know what you mean. And I love you for it. But this creepy old man, he did NOT know me before. All he had was today in the tuna and soy sauce aisle. And with no reason, other than to brighten my day he chose to use the word skinny to describe me. That kind of rocks. It is one more piece to the puzzle of accepting my new body for what it is.
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