"Prepare For The Worst And Hope For The Best."

Hello Blog Readers! There is much to discuss. Here is the agenda:

1) My exercise for the past few days;
2) My ridiculously awful (and delicious) food binge and subsequent logic-defying weight gain; and
3) More deep thoughts on my weight goal/maintenance/body image/etc...

Ok. Let us dive right in!

1) My exercise for the past few days

Thursday, April 29: I lifted:

Back Squats x 3s x 12r @ 125lbs (Smith Machine)
Lying Leg Curls x 3s x 12r @ 80lbs
T-Bar Row x 3s x 12r @ 30lbs
Barbell Bench Press x 3s x 12r @ 80lbs (Smith Machine)
Bi-Angular Lat Pull-down x 3s x 12r @ 35lbs (two handles)
Seated Shoulder Press x 3s x 12r @ 60lbs (Hammer Strength)
Stability Ball Crunches x 3s x 15r
Hyperextension x 3s x 10r

Friday, April 30: I ran. My Stats:

Distance: 2.71 miles
Total time: 30:00
Average Pace: 11:05/mile
Calories Burned: 364
Average Heart Rate: 165

Saturday, May 1: I was supposed to run. But I didn't. :) Too tired.

Sunday, May 2: Rest day.

Monday, May 3: Sole Sisters Run. Me, Kiley, Julie and Holly² jogged this morning and it was great! I love them so much!!!!

I was also supposed to do the Gradual Build workout, but I really need a night of rest after my crazy-busy weekend!!!

2) My ridiculously awful (and delicious) food binge and subsequent logic-defying weight gain

Confession time: I ate ANYTHING and EVERYTHING from Thursday at dinner until tonight. I was physically sick and did not stop. It was delicious and disgusting. It hurt so good and so bad. I weighed myself on the scale at work today. It seems that I have gained 15 pounds. Hmm... ABD agrees (I texted him this fact) that this is not physically possible (although the scale clearly says otherwise). He thinks that it is fluids and will come down by the week's end. I weigh in officially tomorrow--that number should be interesting. I went grocery shopping for my healthy food tonight. Back on track tomorrow!

Side note: I asked ABD if I am in trouble at tomorrow's session (I like to mentally prepare for physical pain...) and here is his response: "Prepare for the worst and hope for the best." Gulp.

3) More deep thoughts on my weight goal/maintenance/body image/etc.

Now, I feel the need to preface this section by saying that I am some sort of crazy fluid-bloated and hopped up on carbs galore and am therefore overtired and over-dramatic. In the words of Amanda J., I am bringing the crazy. I am torn about the way I feel about my horribly poor eating weekend. I should be very upset that I did it. And to some degree I am. But at the same time, I kind of am not. FIFTEEN POUNDS IS RIDICULOUS. In all honesty I was expecting 5. And was ok with that. I maintain that I need to be able to do these things from time to time. I am getting back on track tomorrow and am confident that I can do that easily. Having said that, I also feel that my crazy eating was executed in a *very* unhealthy way. I could have tasted yumminess in moderation. There was nothing resembling moderation at any point of this past weekend. I am not throwing the towel in or discouraged that I can lose this weight. It is only a minor setback. I will lose whatever the final number is after the fluids are gone. :)

What I am concerned about is that for the first time I feel like my body image issues are issues. Allow me to explain. Along this journey, people keep cautioning me to be careful about becoming obsessed and/or unhealthy about the weight loss and final goal. To be completely honest, these people irritate the crap out of me (I apologize if you are one of them...but it's true). Up until now (and perhaps still) I have been completely healthy about it. My final goal is the HIGHEST point of the healthy weight range for my height. Additionally, I am willing to be heavier than that given the amount of lean body mass I have in my big beefy man muscles. Today that changed a little bit. Due to the 15 pounds of fat/water weight or whatever, I can totally see a difference in my body make up--in particular, it shows in my face and I can feel it in my wrists and fingers. My face looks swollen to me and my watch and rings are tight. I understand this is not the end of the world, but it really bothers me. I worry that this is *bordering* on me becoming too concerned about my body. Again, I still think my goals are healthy, but this is the first time I have felt so (perhaps unreasonably) unhappy with my physical appearance. Having said that, I binged and gained 15 pounds, it may be reasonable to be unhappy...

Finally (and this is the over-dramatic part), I keep thinking about ABD telling me that I cannot be successful if I am doing it because I am afraid of being fat. Well, it is what it is and I am. It was interesting to me that as I started to eat the junk I immediately felt like I weighed over 200 pounds again. And when I look in the mirror I see that to some degree. It's like my fear of being fat again takes over the actual reflection in the mirror. Also, I fear that I will never be able to maintain. My incredibly over-dramatic analogy I had today is that like with entropy all things without an external force acting upon them will tend toward a homogeneous chaotic state, without focus and ABD, I tend toward fat. I know this is not logical and somewhat ridiculous, but it feels like reality.

I am going to email Devon most of these thoughts and see what his opinions are during our session tomorrow... Stay tuned...