Time for Some Brutal Honesty

Ah, fans and supporters. It's been awhile since I've had to come clean. However, in the spirit of blog transparency, I will fill you in on my current state.

Ever since Sunday I have entered a workout/diet funk. I have mentioned that I haven't felt like working out. I also haven't felt like eating healthy all the time (I have been for a decent portion of the time). Today it came to a breaking point.

I was doing 50 minutes on the cross-trainer with the zone 2 for 3 minutes/zone 3 for 2 minutes intervals. 15 minutes in I just stopped. I was tired and I felt yicky from all of the bad eating. Also, I was just feeling a bit...I don't want to say hopeless, because that's not it...but something like that.

I started to leave and bumped into Hard Core Liz. She asked me how long til the surgery and I spilled my guts to her. I told her how disappointed I am that I fell out of the "zone" once my surgeon told me I didn't NEED to lose weight before the surgery. I told her that Devon is an excellent trainer but for some reason has been quite unsuccessful in helping me to get (and stay) on track. I wondered aloud if it is possible for a trainer to do that or if it has to come COMPLETELY from me. I would hope I could get help, but who knows. At this point, Devon had finished up with his client so I went over to chat with him.

I actually couldn't even get a sentence out--I was borderline panicking. I said, "Devon, I can't... I can't... I can't... I can't..." And I really could not finish the sentence--the words would not come. Devon laughed and told me to breathe. I took a second and explained my serious concern that I am not capable of doing this long term, that I am wasting my money on the surgery, that there may be no hope for a lifetime fit Erin. We talked for awhile. Hard Core Liz even came over and talked with us for a bit. I really appreciated that because she doesn't train me and so has no financial interest in my success, but has definitely followed my journey and seems to care--which is always nice.

Devon has some "Devon-isms" that stick with me and I try to remind myself of from time to time. One of them is that if you go to work and work hard enough to not get fired, you are a terrible employee. Similarly, if you work out only to not be fat, you will not be successful in the long-term. I mentioned this to him. He gave me another Devon-ism. He said that he hates paying his bills. It makes him angry. But then he thinks of all of the fun things he buys with his money and is happy to work for the money. He thinks that if I think about all of the food I cannot have and lazy time at home and with friends I give up to work out, I'll get angry. But if I think of all of the benefits from my fitness, I'll be happy.

The plan to move forward is to take tomorrow off. Devon and I agree I need a break. Then lift and maybe run Saturday and go grocery shopping for healthy food. Sunday will be my standard rest day and I will focus on eating healthy--for that one day...one day at a time. Also, I will make a list of all the things I like about being fit and want to work toward in my fitness.

I can work with this plan.

So, anyways. This is where I am. :)

Next workout: lifting Saturday.