You Love My Honesty--Even in Posts Like This One

I went back to the gym today. And it went horribly. Not the actual exercising part. That was uneventful and fine. The pre-exercising part. Let me list the ways in narrative form.

But first, an explanation. I list this not to be whiny or complainy or vent (which I certainly need to/like to do) but also to continue to give you an unfiltered look into what makes me tick in this struggle.

1) Other Trainer Judgement

I got to the gym (early of course) and waited to meet with Devon (knowing he would be late--because he always is. When he is not having a paid session with me. He's on time for the paid ones--reasonable.) Devon was meeting with me to take First-Day-Back Measurements for comparison. Lynn was there finishing up a session with her new trainer. So I said hello. Lynn mentioned it was my first day back, so I got excited and told her all about my weight loss and my tummy tuck/arms procedures. I even showed her my before picture (which I had printed out to show Devon the comparison). I was not pleased with how the conversation went. Lynn told her I lost 90 lbs. She told me she lost 115 lbs and her skin shrank back over time--I was just impatient. I told her that 3 doctors told me it wouldn't. She gave me some line about genetics. I felt judged. I then shared with Lynn that I felt like my arms are not any smaller. This frustrates me--not because I hate my body and my arms, but rather--because I paid a large sum of money and if my arms don't change, I feel like it was wasted. Lynn's trainer interrupted me and asked me if I knew that I was beautiful. I understand where she was coming from, but felt so judged. What I heard was: you didn't need a tummy tuck, you're just impatient and you clearly feel so bad about yourself all you can do is spend obscene amounts of money to try to fix it. This is so frustrating because the surgeries TO ME were a celebration of the hard work I'd done--not some desperate attempt to "fix myself". Lynn mentioned the blog and I said that it has really inspired some people. She told me that not everyone can do it because they aren't determined so I should be careful what I say to people. Really? Ok--so what she is saying is that not everyone can work hard and diet and exercise, but apparently EVERYONE'S skin is super elastic and will stretch back over time. I was really put off--but it didn't get me down because I was SOOOO excited to see Devon and get back into the swing of things!!!

2) Bad Body Measurements

Devon finally showed and I gave him the appropriate excited greeting! The we went off to do measurements. They suck. I was upset. I asked Devon to put a positive spin on it for the blog, so he did.

My trainer says: of course the numbers are going to be up--you couldn't work out for 6 weeks. I expect this. Plus, you are still swollen. Once you get back into it, the numbers are going to go down fast. As for the calipers measurements, now my fat is detached from my muscles and so can be pulled farther which explains higher numbers.

So, there's the upbeat take on these:

Before (2 Mar 2011)/After (18 Apr 2011)
Weight: 193 lbs/195 lbs
Calipers, Arm: 24/28
Calipers, Stomach: 24/26
Calipers, Leg: 32/32
Body Fat %: 29.0%/30.7%
Inches, Waist: 39.75"/35.75"
Inches, Hips: 42.75"/41.75"
Inches, Bicep: 13.25"/12.5"

Summary: Gained 8 lbs (looks like 2, but they removed 6 lbs of loose skin, remember???). Gained 1.7% body fat (maybe, or the surgery affected the way it is measured). Lost inches all around. :)

3) Bad News from Devon

Devon no longer will be friend lifting with me. This made me *very* disappointed. I tried to explain to him why without sounding like a crazy stalker client. Sure, I enjoy hanging out with Devon for free (::grin::) but the disappointment is not about that. Friend lifting was the HIGHLIGHT of my week. I tried harder. Pushed harder. Was inspired by Devon. Felt like I contributed to help push Devon. Went for 2 1/2 to 3 hours and went hard the whole time. Challenged myself in ways that aren't possible while lifting alone. I could go on. Lifting on my own had turned into a means to do better and go harder while lifting with Devon. I'll have to try to find the passion for lifting alone again, but it will be hard.

And what sucks is that I can't be mad about it. He was doing me a favor. Favor's over. Super bad news...

4) Erin's Diet Plan Meets Devon's Negativity

As if all of this weren't enough, and I wasn't already on the verge of an Erin-cannot-handle-bad-news-or-change-well-at-all-and-might-cry-in-the-middle-of-the-gym breakdown, I told Devon that my friend and I were considering Weight Watchers. I am an All or Nothing Diet girl and this just *isn't* working for me. I need to learn how to eat flexibly within parameters--Weight Watchers is the clear choice for this. Devon is so opposed to this it's not even funny. He thinks it would be terrible for me. He says that he knows me and that I am the type of person who finds the loop holes in things and Weight Watchers has too many (he is correct about that attribute of my personality--I consider it an asset. ::grin::). I was actually able to list one on the spot (unlimited fruits--don't give me unlimited anything...). He tells me I should meet with the Lifetime Dietitian. I feel like he is trying to sell me on Lifetime crap. He could tell (perhaps by my not subtle eye rolling). We debated this a lot. We left saying that I would ease back into cardio and he thinks I should "talk to" the dietitian. I am going to do what *I* want when I decide what that is. Devon has had 16 months to help me with my eating. His time is up.

Anyways, I then went to ease back into cardio, quite dejected. I did the elliptical for 30 minutes. My stats:

Time: 30:00
Strides: 4497
Calories Burned: 348.3 (Elliptical)
Distance: 2.42 miles
Resistance: 5
Crossramp: 10

Next workout: Wednesday or Thursday. Doing 3 cardio this week. Will begin lifting again on Monday, May 2nd.

Blah. Where's Sean to take me to ice cream??? :(